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6 entries this month
The Morning Genghis06:19 Jan 29 2010
Times Read: 745
I've never seen the point in waking with an erection. Even if a man is involved with a woman...I've found in my life...the last thing she wants to deal with first thing is an erection. I've never heard a woman squeal with joy..."Oh boy...another one!"...especially if it’s minute one at 5 am.
I bet I wake with an erection 4 mornings out of 7...I don’t know why...I can never remember a dream involving Jennifer Aniston...there’s not a woman there that I unconsciously bumped against and jostled Genghis Jr. into conquering mode...I have no idea why he’s awake before me! And after 40 some odd years of this I’m not thinking...”Oh boy...another one!”...what I do think is...”Oh for the love of God leave me alone!”. Without a ball to hit with that bat...all Genghis Jr. is good for is bladder control....”Will you just stop until I need you....I know you’re there...you don’t need to remind me!”! The problem is Genghis doesn’t know he’s old and undesirable...talk about your denial....yes...Genghis Jr. is a dreamer!
Oh I know what you’re thinking...”Don’t you like to masturbate Mr. Tu?”...fair enough question.
Well of course I masturbate...don’t be silly...but masturbation can only go so far...especially first thing at 11 am...I need a cold Pepsi and a few cigarettes to shock my mind into action...but by that time Genghis Jr. has gone back to sleep and the whole masturbation business becomes an exercise in...*Can I still?*...*Yes I can!*...*Just checking!*.
Coming up with naughty little fantasies really isn’t a problem...I’ve flipped and tied up women in...what must be...every way possible...younger...older...Librarians...the old standard “Neighbor next door”...the “Hot Teacher” scenario...MILFS...Jennifer *sighs*...the naughty female terrorist with a bomb strapped to her chest...the Smoking Ban Naziette who shares a cigarette with me after (a fav)...Black...White...Asian...New Zealand women...Russian women...my Russian woman fantasies are HOT...the Russian News Lady *faints*...a whole slew of Vampire fantasies...Vampire cheerleaders...female Vampire CEOs...(yes I’m a homophobe)...Vampire Space Babes...The Lost Vampress of the Jungle...it just goes on and on and on and on.
“Well with all that Mr. Tu...how can you get bored with masturbation?”...I hear you ask. Oh come on! It’s not like the real thing! Sure...sure...yes there is that release...but...it’s not the same and besides...many of my fantasies take some real wide awake concentration and first thing at 11 am...well...it’s not happening!
So this morning...there was Genghis Jr....full on conquering mode...all riled up and ready for a good time! All I could think was...”Dear God...just make him go back to sleep!”. I could only lay there and wait him out...I wish I had all the time back I’ve had to waste waiting out a morning Genghis...I’d be 27 again.
Man...I hate the morning Genghis.
Monkey Romance17:25 Jan 25 2010
Times Read: 760
Now...late at night...I watch PBS…so…I know what I’m talking about! I’ve seen first hand how those monkeys sling the suave romance around the jungle!
First our hero collects all the romantic gifts he can find for the monkette of his fancy…a stick crawling with ants…perhaps a few bananas and figs…and then tops it all off with a niece, tender piece of tree bark! This guy knows what turns a furry head, that’s for sure!
With all of this in his arms, he skip waddles his way across the jungle floor to his love and then throws all the gifts at her feet. Then he hops up and down and flaps his hands while vocalizing “Whooooot whoot snort whoot whoot snort!”. He beats his chest and parades in circles showing off his big red butt…she feigns indifference.
Playing hard to get, his lady love skip waddles away...stops around ten feet...then sits back down and looks away (sly). Undaunted, our lover monk collects his gifts of amour and skip waddles right over to her again. He throws the gifts at her feet once more...hops up and down and flaps his hands while vocalizing “Whooooot whoot snort whoot whoot snort!”.
She glances at him as she pops one of the figs into her mouth, sensuously chewing to tease him. She’s just picking up the ant covered stick when our love struck...Romeo of The Jungle...gives her a whack on the head! She immediately turns around and he jumps her from behind…nice! “Whooooot whoot snort whoot whoot snort…Whooooot whoot snort whoot whoot snort!”…he bellows as his eyes scan the jungle for danger, he wouldn’t want to be caught by surprise during this tender moment by a lion! “Whooooot whoot snort whoot whoot snort!”.
Whooooot whoot snort whoot whoot snort…Whooooot whoot snort whoot whoot snort…Whooooot whoot snort whoot WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTT!!!”.
Since monkeys are terrible romance finishers, he grabs a vine and swings back into the jungle…*sighs*…if it were only that easy…there’s a lot to be said for being a monkey.
Alone In The Dark17:46 Jan 20 2010
Times Read: 786
I must have been 5 or 6 years old...which would have made my elder brothers 11 and 14 respectively...when I had my first brush with sleep walking. We three brothers slept in the huge windowless basement of our father's house. My eldest brother felt he needed his own private room so he took one corner of the basement and hung sheet walls.
My two brothers kept that basement very dark when we slept...one could not see their hand in front of their face...it was absolutely pitch black. I went through a period where I would wake in the middle of the night (vampire?) and I would be standing somewhere in the basement...with it being so dark I never knew exactly where I was in that dark dungeon. The first time I stood there for a while afraid to move...but...then I heard the pilot light of the furnace...that very low hissing sound. So I put my face on the floor and searched for that pilot light...I would eventually find it and from that I could navigate my way back to bed. This happened to me over and over...waking in the dark standing...then finding that light. I never said anything to anyone...I had it figured out...there didn't seem to be a point of bringing it up.
One night I woke standing for the millionth time. I put my face down to find the pilot light...Jesus Christ! I couldn't find it! I looked and looked...I could hear it...but...I couldn't see it. So I carefully stood back up...I had no idea which way to go. Then another idea came to me...I'd just feel objects around me until I recognized one of them and that would give me a point of reference to return to my bed...*I'm a fucking genius!* I thought!
So I slowly reached down and grabbed my eldest brother's sleeping face. He came screaming up off that bad like a zombie demon from hell! Of course that scared the shit out of me so I bolted! His screams gave me a rough point of reference so I ran blind for my bed...sheet walls were tearing...glass was breaking...chairs were being knocked over...and then my middle brother woke to the screaming and he too was screaming and running around knocking objects over. My eldest brother continued to chase me through the basement screaming he was going to kill me in my sleep (I think he thought I did this on purpose).
Suddenly a light came on and there stood our puffy eyed father bellowing..."What the Hell is going on down here?!". The basement looked like a bomb had gone off! That basement was trashed. I tried to explain as best I could as the ass whippings were distributed.
After the basement was clean up everyone went back to sleep...well...they all went back to sleep...I laid there with one eye open clutching and axe handle...waiting for my eldest brother to come kill me...yeah...come on big boy...little Tu has something for you!
Funny side note: My middle brother used to shovel snow in his underwear dead asleep. I heard my parents talk many times of watching him get up and go outside with the shovel...Oh ho ho ho...what a dumbass!
Genie In A Bottle06:35 Jan 16 2010
Times Read: 804
Well...another Genie has escaped from the bottle! Have you heard of the newest organization that has formed? I am not sure of its name...but...it is along the same lines as M.A.D.D.. I am going to call it the N.A.F...that stands for Nazis Against Freedom. Here we fucking go! This new group is lobbying to make it illegal to talk on your cell phone while one is driving. Oh...I hear you.."Mr. Tu...people can become distracted and cause accidents because they are talking on their cell phones!"...yeah...well once again you are not using that brain God gave you! And I will take this opportunity to say again...letting thempush you around with the seat belt law has set the stage for this!
If talking on your cell phone is too distracting to drive...then...why would speaking to the person beside you or in the back seat be any less distracting? Eating your yummy fast food McBurger surly can be just as distracting as talking on a cell phone...or...searching for a radio station and just plain jamming out can be as distracting as talking on a cell phone...no? Jesus...yesterdays bullshit can be every bit distracting as talking on a cell phone! Where will it end? It won't end! Bastards like these will not be satisfied until they control every last second of our life and have squeezed every last penny they can out of us!
How long can it be until I hear..."We need you to wrap this sensor around your throat Mr. Tu so we can see if you have been talking while driving tonight...I'm pretty sure I saw you talking to your honey bunny when we passed...don't you know that's Distracted Driving? Yes Mr. Tu...the sensor indicates you have been talking within the last ten minutes so I am going to have to give you this $125 dollar ticket for Driving Distracted...oh...and here's another $125 ticket for not wearing your seat belt...have a nice night!"...yeah...laugh now because you won't be when it happens. The states are going broke and goddamnit they are going to need to grow even larger next year...the good little Nazis have thought of another way to take our money!
What little piss-ant that was ignored all through high school thought this up so he...or she...could become important and have their 15 minutes of fame? Who is doing this so they can save the world? It's too late...it's too fucking late...it's already a business now...that little piss-ant is making his...or hers...living pursuing this Obamanation! Here we go...even yet more freedom being taken away...all for the guise of safety...bullshit...this...like everything else...is about taking our money and our freedom right along with it! Safety my ass.
Draw the line...I'm warning you...don't let them do it!
I Have Noticed A Rash...02:48 Jan 14 2010
Times Read: 825
...of television commercials that the audio and the video are not in sync! I've seen 4 of them...two are weight loss commercials...*ponders*...do you think after a big weight loss in someone's face...their facial muscles have not had time to adjust to their vocalizations? I mean...if a big person was used to running a certain way and then lost a huge amount of weight...*ponders*...wouldn’t they...at first...run the same way thin? This could explain why those 2 weight loss commercials seem out of sync between the audio and video...but...
...that wouldn’t explain the other 2 commercials which are for fiber...I don’t see how an intestinal problem could effect someone’s speech appearance...*ponders*...alright I will concede that people probably make some goddamn funny faces when they are in the throws of an intense intestinal purge...but...surly that’s not the case when the commercial is being filmed! Man...see...now that would be funny...a hidden camera taping people’s faces during a purge...I’d pay to see that! I bet it would be hilarious! Oh come on...wouldn’t you want to see the goofy faces...say...Hillary Clinton makes at that most private of all times?! I’m seeing a new “Reality Show” here! It could be called...”(P)Oops Caught You”!!
I think maybe the explanation rests in the simple fact that the media has gotten lazy and sloppy. I don’t believe a single thing they say anymore...but this...this...horrible attention to detail...Jesus...doesn’t someone view these things before they air? It’s unforgivable...I think we’ve had shows like The Simpsons for way too long...the crappy animation has lulled the media into audio and video slothness...and that’s too bad because...IT REALLY FUCKING BOTHERS ME!!
Now now...dear reader...you didn’t really think this entry was going to be about some kind of terrible disfiguring rash that manifested itself on my body...did you? Do you really think I’d Journal about such a thing? Imagined or real?! Well...*ponders*...alright...I might...but...I’ve never had a rash to my knowledge...I did have a sore little bump down next to my anus once...hurt like a bastard! Was that a hemorrhoid? I’ve never had a hemorrhoid that I know of...I’ve always been unsure whether a hemorrhoid is an inner...or...an outer thing...I asked someone about that bump once...I was worried it might be cancer or some goofy dipsh*t thing...I knew it couldn’t be a S.T.D....ONE HAS TO BE HAVING SEX FOR IT TO BE A STD...they told me that it couldn’t be cancer because, if it was, it probably wouldn’t be sore...how they came to that conclusion I don’t know...but...it was what I wanted to hear so I went with it...so it was ~fold~ *ouch* ~fold~ *ouch* ~fold~ *ouch* for a while...but(t) don’t worry...it went away...*whew*.
A Delicate Post06:40 Jan 04 2010
Times Read: 851
*Shhhh*...(looks left...looks right)...ladies...you do realize...that we men include you in our fantasies when we masturbate...right? OF COURSE I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU LADIES HERE IN VR! WAIT...Wait...*shhhhhh*...*shhhhh*...I mean...*shhhhh*....this isn't really a surprise to you...is it? You know this...right? Surly at least some of you...(looks left...looks right)...some of you have suspected this...*shhhh*...to be happening...yes? And from my own personal masturbatorial experience...well...some of you are very...very...naughty little girls...you know who you are...well...maybe *winks*. Now now...we don’t need to be flinging about names...*shhh*...or personal fetishes...we’re all grown ups...(looks left...looks right)...I just thought you should know.
See...I believe...why is anyone‘s guess...that when we die, all our thoughts are laid bare...I’ll know everything you ever thought...and you’ll know everything I ever thought...and...BOY’O‘BOY...*shhhhhh*...I’ve had some thoughts!! I just thought I’d try to head off some possible surprises when we’re all dead! I’m telling you RIGHT NOW...*shhhhhhhhhh*...*shhhhh*...telling you right now that you’ve had some pretty big starring roles...when you wore that Librarian outfit...*faints*...or when I chased you through that woods...*double faints*...enough said *winks*.
How many of you ladies have known men do this? Have you known? Have any of the men...*shhhh*...ever told you? I’m willing to bet that VR...(looks left...looks right)...is just a huge cavalcade of sexual fantasies flying ALL OVER THE PLACE! *Shhhh*...*shhhh*...do you ladies do this as well? It’s alright...*shhh*...you can tell me...just between you...and I...*shhhh*.
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COMMENTS
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Bijou
07:21 Jan 29 2010
~giggles~ you always have the best journal entery. And yes nothing like a cold soda and a few ciggarettes to start the morning off. The breakfest of champions. :)
MeanMeanMrTu
07:47 Jan 29 2010
You bet it is!